TEN THOUGHTS TO PONDER

Number 10 : Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 : Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 : Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without

an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 : Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a

person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 : Some people are like a Slinky....not really good for anything,

but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 : Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 : All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 : Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial

tax cut saves you 30 cents?

Number 2 : In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT TO PONDER : We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

Why?

Why, Why, Why

Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

I've done my job and forwarded it to you.

Marriage

You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable,

or

Get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

"Yes, I am I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:

"Husband Wanted".

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing:

"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,

there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. 

Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,

"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,

"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa

a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son"

Then there was a woman who said,

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,

and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and

pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, 

men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

" A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, 

to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. 

Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

Wedding Night

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a

little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our

honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, 

and said, "Here - try these on."

She did and said, "These are too big. I can't wear them."

I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here -

try these on."

She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.

I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said,

"Here- you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude,

you never will."